Advise from Pheobe
by Meco-lia
Summary: Pheobe tells the world a few things that took her half of her life to learn including the joys of parent hood. Warning humor!
1. Things i have learnt

**It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn**

**Disclaimer: Don't own**

My name is Phoebe Halliwell and i would like to share with you a few things i have learnt over the years. Today is my fifty first birthday and i feel now is the right time to tell my family about my past expriances in the hope that they will learn from my mistakes.

Before i begin, you have to remember i did some rather stupid things in my time and made many many mistakes. Please do not judge me on what you are about to read.

With that said i would like to tell you first of all to never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Trust me it just leads to one hell of a mess in the morning.

Secondly, If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

Never take the advise of a monsignor when it comes to alchol consumption!

It is important to remember that men are like fine wine - they start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Now this next one is important and you have to identify which one somebody is very quickly as there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. For that reason it is sometimes best to nod along and then leave.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously. If you dont listen to this one, well don't say i didn't warn you folks!

My next peice of advise is that,You should not confuse your career with your life.

When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. (Did you hear that Cole?)

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance. Most people wont remember in the morning anyway.

'Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get  
your attention!

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in.So if you pass one by trust me when i say do not stop and stare for even a second, it will just give them ammunition.

Never lick a steak knife, your tougue will hurt like hell for days after.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip, yes gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. This is especially important for males to remember, my boyfreind, god rest his soul, learnt this the hard way.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

and finally, your friends love you anyway.

I hope this helps you my friends as, if someone told me these things all those years ago, i know my life would have been a whole lot easier than it was and my poor Eric would still be here. If you wish to know the reasons behind these, all you have to do is ask.

(**A/N) You heard pheobe, if you want to know how she discovered this things, review and say so. Pointless drapple i know but i was bored**.


	2. Point 15

**It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn**

**Disclaimer: Don't own**

**Point 15**

* * *

_You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. This is especially important for males to remember, my boyfriend, god rest his soul, learnt this the hard way._

* * *

We were barely twenty when _it_ happened and there was nothing particularly special about the day either. It started off as a regular Saturday afternoon back when I was living in New York, my newest boyfriend Eric and i had decided to go for a walk though the central park. Up until that day I had never stepped foot in that area and unfortunately I never will again. 

It was a lovely afternoon, the sun was shining down making each little puddle of water from the previous nights' rain evaporate into the air, glistening like a magical fairy pool. The sky was clear and you could even hear the birds chirping over the heavy traffic. 

The park, as I will always remember was greener than anything I had ever seen before, with police riding chestnut horses and children playing on the swings. Everything just seemed so alive with people being what I loved best, care free. 

At about one o'clock we decided to stop walking though the grass, hand in hand, and sat down in a lovely spot surrounded by pink flowers which to this day I still don't know the name of. 

It was so romantic as we lay out on the picnic rug, eating strawberries and drinking apple aid, it would have been Champaign but neither of us could practically afford that luxury at the time. 

It wasn't that we were broke, it was just, Eric was a salesman at blooming dales and although that may seem fantastic, he was paid very little and most of it went to his ex-wife for child support. As for me, well I was floating though jobs, having been fired from my work at the coffee shop just down the road. It wasn't my fault that I upset a customer, after all I didn't know he was the manager's son! 

That was actually how I learnt about not sharing your religious beliefs with other people... but that's an entirely different story!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, it was rather romantic just lying there with the man I was beginning to love, that was until Eric suddenly sat up and smiled, pointing out a woman who was hobbling towards us. Now in my defence, I still to this day swear she looked pregnant!

She was tall and about medium build, with long brunette hair and sparkling blue eyes. She had the features of a model but the way she dressed, well lets just say it showed she didn't have a lot of money. She wore a simple pair of blue jeans and a plain white t-shirt which loosely hung off her. The one thing that stuck out the most about her though, was her bulging stomach that I would say was at least four months pregnant. Thinking back, the baggy t-shirt was probably why her belly looked like there was a baby inside of it.

"Whose that?" I asked him, a hint of jealousy in my voice, I couldn't help it though, he had never smiled like that when he first saw me.

"An old school friend, I haven't seen her in years!" He replied before getting to his feet and waving the woman over.

Olivia, as I later found out she was called, caught his eye for a moment or two, a look of confusion on her face, almost like she couldn't remember him. Then her frown turned to a wide grin and she waved back at him, before clipping her Jack Russell onto a lead and heading towards us. 

As she did however, my eyes were immediately drawn to her stomach which was flopping side to side. Seeing that my whole body relaxed, she was obviously with someone if she was pregnant which meant that she was no threat to me.

"I wonder who her baby's father is!" I found myself asking out, causing Erik to turn to face me, a quizzing look upon his very handsome face.

"What do you mean?" He asked, as he looked from the woman quickly approaching us and myself. "She doesn't have a baby with her."

At that I couldn't help but roll my eyes, men, no matter what their age, were just clueless.

"No you idiot, can't you see her stomach, she's obviously pregnant!" I responded, tapping him playfully on the top of his head. Eric's expression soon turned to one of acceptance as he turned to face her once again and nodded, his eyes resting firmly on her stomach, which I had to say I was glad about that, wouldn't want him looking any higher now would I?

"Olivia hi, I haven't seen you in years!" he called out as he pulled me to my feet and held his hand out to shake hers. "This is my girlfriend Phoebe by the way!"

I simply waved back, a warm smile on my face; she didn't look that impressed however.

"So... how far gone are you?" he asked and at that moment, as the woman's face fell, I realised my mistake, the confusion written on her features showed she had no idea what he was talking about, meaning she couldn't be after all!

"Excuse me?" She asked offense evident in her voice. At that I gripped hold of Eric's arm and tried to get him to look at me, as a way of displaying the message that maybe I had jumped to the wrong conclusion before he put his foot in it.

"How long have you got left until the baby is born?" He asked, obviously ignoring my attempt to warn him. I wish he hadn't! For within a few seconds, her expression turned from one of annoyance, to completely offended as her lips tightened together.

Without saying a word, Olivia took two simple steps forward and raised her knee up in the air, gripping hold of his shoulders in the process.

My eyes instantly squeezed shut as her leg came into contact with Eric's certain rather painful body part.

My poor baby let out a scream as he fell to the ground, hunched over in pain, his hands gripping hold of the area she had hit. The woman showed no remorse though as she stormed off, her little puppy following closely behind.

As I bent down to comfort him, I couldn't help but learn a lesson from what had just happened and I could quite honestly say I would never ever open my big mouth again, at least not when it came to guessing if someone was with child or not. 

**(A/n) what you think? Any good? Please review!**


	3. Point 8

**It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn**

**Disclaimer: Don't own**

**Point 8**

* * *

_When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle. (Did you hear that Cole?)_

* * *

Now this one happened on Christmas Eve of 2002, it was actually the first Christmas that i spent with Cole knowing he was half demon.

It all started of fairly normal, well as normal as life can get for the charmed ones and the ex source of all evil. We sat down to one of Piper's delicious home cooked meals at around 4:30PM.

I still remember the taste of that chilli source, it makes my mouth water just thinking about it. It was one of Piper's specialties; she always made it from scratch and added extra pepper and a hint of... never mind that isn't the tale which I am here to tell you!

Anyway as I was saying we ate our annual Christmas eve meal at half past four before retiring to the living room to watch a load of kids films like we used to with our Grams, as it turns out we never did let that tradition die with her, we still do it now, even with our own children and in Piper's case grandchildren.

So we watched _'the little mermaid'_ which of course was on the Disney channel before flicking though to _'Santa claws two_'

By the time they finished it was about seven o clock at night, which of course lead us to our other tradition of stuffing our faces with chocolate chip cookies. Piper, who had been busy with a demon vanquish earlier in the day had completely forgotten about this, so she and Prue went to the kitchen to make some.

I remained with Cole for a while just flicking though the channels but eventually I got bored and decided, despite my culinary abilities i would go to the kitchen and see if I could help out, it was Christmas after all.

Of course barely five minutes had passed before Cole shimmered into the room, looking like a deer trapped in the headlights.

Piper almost blew the man up, it was never a smart move to use a demonic power in our house, luckily she saw it was him before it was too late... a blast from her would have been painful even then!

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" Prue had yelled at him after the initial shock wore of, and i swear she would have thrown him across the room if she wasn't worried about breaking something.

"God!" Cole replied, his hair sticking up in the air and his eyes wild, at that point he reminded me of the man he used to be, back when he was trying to kill us.

Of course Prue, Piper and I all gave him funny looks, i mean what kind of response was that? You would think for an ex demon he would have come up with something better than that.

"What?" Prue asked as we all shared identical looks of bewilderment.

"God, he's real and he just sent me a message!" Cole continued, his eyes resting on me, as Piper and Prue tried to unsuccessfully hide their laughter.

I simply glared at them in response to that he was my boyfriend after all and it was hardly his fault that he didn't fully understand the human ways, besides with all the magic in our lives, you could never be to certain that something didn't actually exist.

"What are you talking about honey?" I asked him, trying to hide my own amusement and mask it with concern, I'm still not sure that I was entirely successful in that task.

"God! he just sent me a message though the TV!" Cole cried out, before grabbing my arm and pulling me back into the living room, a hysterical Piper and Prue following closely behind.

I will never forget the sight that greeted me as I looked at the TV screen. It was a man in his late thirties with a seriously bad hair cut; I mean it almost looked like he was doing a bad imitation of Elvis'! And when I say bad imitation i seriously mean bad, it was awful like something out of a horror movie and he had the dorkiest square glasses that I had ever seen.

'The messenger' as Cole named him was sitting at a boring old desk, with nothing else in the background just going on and on about something to do with cheese. At least i think he was it is rather hard to remember it was after all thirty years ago.

"Cole that is just some lame chat show host!" I explained softly, shaking my head slightly as a way to be sympathetic.

"No he seriously is God's messenger, he just told me!" Cole continued, insisting that he was right. This of course earned him some strange looks from both of my sisters, who seemed to be turning their amusement to worry.

"He told you?" Prue repeated, her eyebrows raise din a way only she could pull off.

"Yes!"

"Well what did he say?" Piper asked carefully, trying to keep a straight face, though you could clearly see her body shaking from the held back laughter.

"That the world was going to end! That a terrible force of evil was coming and he was going to kill us all! It's God i tell you!" Cole explained, causing Piper and Prue to burst into hysterics as they doubled over, clutching their sides.

At this point i got ticked off, i mean its okay for me to laugh at my boyfriend but _not them_!

"Cole, he's just some mental guy, what he's saying isn't a message from God." I said slowly, hoping that it would get the message across to him.

"No it isn't! it's the messenger!" Cole persisted, making my sisters laugh even harder. That's when I really lost my temper I mean honestly how stupid could you get. In retrospect I probably shouldn't have shouted, but it was the only way I could think of to get him to listen.

"Cole for God sake...excuse the pun... Listen to me,when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as his messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle!"

**(A/n) please review**


	4. Parenthood

**It Took Me Over 50 Years to Learn**

**Disclaimer: Don't own**

Now I know I am supposed to be telling you how I came across these little pieces of advice that it took me over 50 years to learn. But for this next instalment I have decided to give people a few more pieces of information they may find useful.

I know I'm being really generous, right?

Okay, so this is a little different from the first points as it covers one topic and one topic only, parenthood!

I have three little girls as I'm sure you will be aware of, their names and ages are not really important, but I will tell you how much of a struggle I found it after I gave birth to my first child. Because of this I have created twelve tests which any prospective parents or people planning to have a child can go though to see if they are truly ready for the burdens and responsibility that having a baby entails.

Ok so if every body is listening I will begin!

**Test 1**

**Women:**

To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10 of the beans.

**Men:**

To prepare for paternity, go to the local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

* * *

**Test 2.**

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot.

Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior.

Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

* * *

**Test 3.**

To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs.

At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am.

Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink.

Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful!

* * *

**Test 4.**

Can you stand the mess children make?

To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons.

How does that look?

* * *

**Test 5.**

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this: all morning.

* * *

**Test 6.**

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator.

Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas candle.

Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty package of Cocoa Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

* * *

**Test 7.**

Forget the Jaguar and buy a Skoda. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.

Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.

Get a coin. Stick it in the cassette player.

Take a family-size packet of chocolate biscuits. Mash them down the back seats.

Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

There...perfect!

* * *

**Test 8.**

Get ready to go out.

Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.

Go out the front door.

Come in again.

Go out.

Come back in.

Go out again.

Walk down the front path.

Walk back up it.

Walk down it again.

Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.

Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.

Retrace your steps.

Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.

Give up and go back into the house.

You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

* * *

**Test 9.**

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

* * *

**Test 10.**

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.

Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.

Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

* * *

**Test 11.**

Hollow out a melon.

Make a small hole in the side.

Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

Continue until half the Weetabix is gone.

Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

* * *

**Test 12.**

Learn the names of every character from The Tweenies, The Tellytubbies and Pokemon. When you can effortlessly distinguish your La-La from your Dipsy and your Jake from your Milo, you finally qualify as a parent.

So there you go folks i hope this helps you out!

**(a/n) please review**


End file.
